Look what the cat dragged in...

So I'm in my wonderful hospital room again, Chemo was today, it went well.

But. I have other news. Guess who woke me up at seven in the morning?

My father.

and not my step dad either.

the bio-dad-that-left-me-when-i-was-4-and-gives-me-birthday-cards-that-are-ten-years-late.

Yea...that dad.

He looks the same. Old. More like an old scottish drunk to me. Ah, the wonders of life in the land of kilts and bagpipes.

So, my dad comes in, my mom behind him, (looking as pissed as hell) and he looks at me (I'm no sight to see) along with Clary, pregnant laying besides me...oh yes, what a wonderful family reunion.

You know what his first words are?

'Ey, son, you look great, how've ya bin?"


Haha, oh yea, I'm sure I look great in a hospital bed, two IVs in my arm, and looking like death washed over. Oh yea. I look swell.

My mom made me laugh, because then, she rushed out some of her anger by saying 'How the hell does he look great? He's got fuckin' cancer! He's been doin' fine, oh yea, just about died a few weeks ago! You need to fuckin see reality.."

So yea, that was one of the first times I've ever heard my mother swear (being the proper english woman she is, she does not use such foul language....like me..haha)

Clary sprung up then and sat on the couch, feeling embarrassed because she had no idea who this guy was.

So then I just, being the smart ass I was, say: "Hey dad, I'm doing great. I got my girlfriend, Clary, pregnant and I'm currently going under fourteen weeks of Chemotherapy. Oh, and thanks for the card, it was only about ten years late."

I have no sympathy or mercy for my father. When he left, he left heartlessly, disappearing then calling my mother to tell her he's sent the divorce papers (though they never were legally married.)

So then theres that awkward silence that kills us, and my dad suddenly goes: So, Son, what do you think about Canada?


Canada? Psh..its my dreamland, in places theres a population of 1, its icy, it has seals, it...has no sales tax...they speak french...

Canada is my fantasy land, as most of you know.

I didn't expect what would happen next...he said:


Because I think I'll take you there, how about after the holidays? We can escape to Camrose. My buddy got a shack up there that'll be perfect. We can catch up.


......>.>

<.<

Why does my dad have to make such assumptions that a small house in the least popuplated place is perfect for an eighteen year old kid that has leukemia, is going to be a father, and has so many life goals?

Oh yea, I want to be on a deserted place with a stranger. Sounds great.


My mom blew up again, with Clary, all yelling and cussing at him. I was silent, not believing that he'd actually invited me to living in Canada (what's so cool about canada? I can escape from politics? Lies. I don't really know what's in Canada) but still...I couldn't believe it.

Then, in the midst of the shower of cusses from my mother and Clary, my dad just pats me leg and says: "Think about it. I'll be back in a month."


A month...

This will be fun.

what will my answer be?

No...I think...

most likely no.

I have Clary here, and personally, she's better than anything else in the world...

so no. I won't be going to my population 1 dream place.

maybe someday...but definitely not with my bio dad.

keep reading,

~Ash

Keeps Getting Better

I really don't like hospitals. Just their smell makes me on edge. The doctors and nurses are kind of irritating, even though my mom is one now.

What's really bothering me is how they want people to wear breathing masks when they see me. Guess my Pnuemonia is pretty bad then.

I really came here just to say I'm alright, really. I look completely like a vampire you could say, except I'm still coughing up my own blood. Yummy.

Yea, lately I've been a little....angry, if you could say it. I don't want to get anyone sick...

Today was my first day of Chemo. It went well, my hair surprisingly still wants to stay on my head. (Chemo usually causes hairloss)

As far as the Pnuemonia, I'm taking about four pills every day for it. But you know me, Ash the only guy who's immune to any type of drug unless it goes straight into the blood stream.

Yep, it's just so happy around here. (sarcasm)

Clary is still sleeping on the couch, if not on the bed next to me. She barely wears the mask anymore. She's a rebel...like the rest of my family except my sister Alex.

Alex has been a butthead. (I'd say something else, but I'd rather not use profanities at this moment in time) Always complaining about herself. I could say I'm not surprised, she's always been like that. You'd think she was a dog, always barking for something. She doesn't like how I have the attention. She barely even talks to me besides looking at me, sneering, and walking away.

So that was my highlight of the day today. (sarcasm again..)

So far, I've had three therapy dogs see me. One was Frida, the golden lab. Second was Henley, the Basset Hound. Third was Katrina, the Golden Retriever.

Henly was a nice dog. Frida was funny. and Katrina was pretty.

I have a retriever at home, so I have to say Katrina was one of my favorites.



Sometimes it's times like these where you want to be a little kid again, crying and saying you want a stuffed animal or blanket.

To admit your scared to death about what will happen tomorrow.

To be afraid of going to sleep, because you don't know if you'll wake up or about the dreams you may have.

Sometimes, I wish I was back at age 8. Just able to ride the "big kid roller coasters". Still riding the horses in the pasture. Still laughing at the sound of death. May sound crazy, but in an 18 year old's body, and explaining about how I want something I haven't seen in ten years, that makes me look a little bit crazy.

That's another thing...I can't cry. The only time I cried in the past couple days was when I heard I still had luekemia from my new doctor, and even then, it wasn't sobbing. I just went for a really long walk...and now, I feel like I'm a dried up plant that can't cry...if plants could cry..that is...


I should probably go. I'll post later. See ya.

Wish me luck.

~Ash

Hospital beds again..

Today, I was emitted to the hospital.


My leukemia is worse than we all thought, and the doctors advised me to stay out of school until my Chemotherapy was done.

Which is in 14 weeks.

I guess that I should be used to hospitals by now, but personally, I'm terrified of them. I've had so much done here, so many tears here, it pains me to remember that I may not have much longer to live. (but I'm trying to be optimistic about this ordeal)


With 14 weeks in and out of the hospital, I'm not sure if I can graduate, but my doctor and teachers all said the same thing: You'll graduate, we'll try to make an exception.


So apparently I'm still graduating.

So right now, My parents and siblings are all down in the cafeteria. Alysa and Clary decided to miss school today, and Clary's sleeping on the couch a few feet away from me.

I really don't know what to write, since I really don't know how to take this event.

I've had chemo about three times before, and right now, for some strange reason I have yet to fathom, I am more scared now than I was the first time.

Maybe it's because I had my hopes up for the future, and now that it was starting to plan out, I'm scared that I can't live those plans.


I'll be back later...when I know more what's going to happen..


~Ash



PS. Song of My Blog that I don't feel like putting up: Vienna - Billy Joel
(I know its old, but I like it, personally)