I really don't like hospitals. Just their smell makes me on edge. The doctors and nurses are kind of irritating, even though my mom is one now.
What's really bothering me is how they want people to wear breathing masks when they see me. Guess my Pnuemonia is pretty bad then.
I really came here just to say I'm alright, really. I look completely like a vampire you could say, except I'm still coughing up my own blood. Yummy.
Yea, lately I've been a little....angry, if you could say it. I don't want to get anyone sick...
Today was my first day of Chemo. It went well, my hair surprisingly still wants to stay on my head. (Chemo usually causes hairloss)
As far as the Pnuemonia, I'm taking about four pills every day for it. But you know me, Ash the only guy who's immune to any type of drug unless it goes straight into the blood stream.
Yep, it's just so happy around here. (sarcasm)
Clary is still sleeping on the couch, if not on the bed next to me. She barely wears the mask anymore. She's a rebel...like the rest of my family except my sister Alex.
Alex has been a butthead. (I'd say something else, but I'd rather not use profanities at this moment in time) Always complaining about herself. I could say I'm not surprised, she's always been like that. You'd think she was a dog, always barking for something. She doesn't like how I have the attention. She barely even talks to me besides looking at me, sneering, and walking away.
So that was my highlight of the day today. (sarcasm again..)
So far, I've had three therapy dogs see me. One was Frida, the golden lab. Second was Henley, the Basset Hound. Third was Katrina, the Golden Retriever.
Henly was a nice dog. Frida was funny. and Katrina was pretty.
I have a retriever at home, so I have to say Katrina was one of my favorites.
Sometimes it's times like these where you want to be a little kid again, crying and saying you want a stuffed animal or blanket.
To admit your scared to death about what will happen tomorrow.
To be afraid of going to sleep, because you don't know if you'll wake up or about the dreams you may have.
Sometimes, I wish I was back at age 8. Just able to ride the "big kid roller coasters". Still riding the horses in the pasture. Still laughing at the sound of death. May sound crazy, but in an 18 year old's body, and explaining about how I want something I haven't seen in ten years, that makes me look a little bit crazy.
That's another thing...I can't cry. The only time I cried in the past couple days was when I heard I still had luekemia from my new doctor, and even then, it wasn't sobbing. I just went for a really long walk...and now, I feel like I'm a dried up plant that can't cry...if plants could cry..that is...
I should probably go. I'll post later. See ya.
Wish me luck.
~Ash
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2 comments:
**Sends in dump truck after dump truck (a whole procession of dump trucks) full of luck**
First off, I don't exactly get why your sister is mad at you for getting all of the attention. It's not like you choose to get leukemia, and if you had the choice, you wouldn't have it.
I totally understand what you mean about wishing you were a little kid at certain times. I felt the same way when I was in the hospital. You just want to be able to curl up and cry because crying is an escape in a way. A way to release all of your pent up sorrow. And it sucks when you can't cry or when you feel like you have to be strong for other people.
If I could, I would buy you a big teddy bear, something like an eight year old would receive. Something for the inner child to cling to.
Keep fighting, Ash. Stay strong.
You CAN pull through this.
I dont get why Alex is upset either.. Its almost like she's mad because your stealing all the attention or something. Well its not like its your fault or anything! *sigh*
I cant cry either. It gets to a point where its almost as if you use up all the tears.
You WILL get through this Ash. You HAVE to! For more reasons then just one. Dont you DARE give up. Or else! :)
Love you. Good luck.
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